Romeo & Juliet: Gen Z Approved
Come with me for a moment: You’re walking home from school because serial killers weren’t a thing yet. Britney Spears is playing on your Walkman, your homemade friendship bracelets clang together on your wrist, and you have a pep in your step because you’re on your way to meet your friends at the local mall. You reach into your fake Louis Vuitton bowling bag to search for the cash you saved up from babysitting, and accidentally grab your Polly Pocket instead. When you get to the mall you sprint to your favorite store -Claire’s- and finally purchase that item you’ve been dreaming about since last week: the butterfly themed doorbell that goes outside your bedroom door. Now your mom can’t just barge in past your hanging plastic doorway beads and into your room, she has to ring first. You can’t wait to run home, kick your brother off the landline, log onto the World Wide Web, and update your AOL status letting everyone know. Life is good.
Now, if that painted picture struck an emotional chord:
A) It’s possibly time for eye cream
B) You definitely had to read Shakespeare in school
I was daydreaming some new content ideas lately, and somehow stumbled upon the concept that, possibly, today’s Gen Z-ers will never know the extent of attempting to “read” Shakespearian verbiage like the 90’s did. Trying to translate the rambling and fanciful words of The Bard into literary analysis that would get you an A in your Language Arts paper was harder than it sounds (why can’t he just say what he means?), and if they required an essay question? Best to cross your fingers and hope for the best.
With today’s luxuries of AI, potentially modernized updated school requirements, and the Internet itself, attempting to piece together old school English is easier than ever. So how fun would it be to re-envision Shakespeare’s classic in today’s world? Enter: Gen Z approved Romeo & Juliet, a lowkey hysteric and un reinterpretation of the romantic classic, made for attention spans that last as long as a Tinder swipe.
Yep, I’m “finna go there.” Read on for some fun!
Prologue
Two big-deal families in the same city absolutely hate each other. Think Beckhams vs. Peltz, only worse. Their kids fall in love anyway. It goes horribly. Duh.
Act 1: Streets, Parties, and Delulu Obsession
Street Fight
The Capulets and Montagues can’t go five minutes without beefing. One stupid comment turns into a street fight until the Prince breaks it up like:
“If y’all start one more fight, I’m done. Next one to swing is getting smacked.”
Romeo Is Depressed for Literally No Reason
Romeo is moping around because a girl named Rosaline doesn’t like him back. He’s dramatic about it. Like, poetry-writing, staring-out-a-window dramatic.
His friends Benvolio and Mercutio tell him to touch grass and come to a Capulet party he’s not invited to. Romeo agrees because he’s 16 and heartbroken.
The Party Crash
Romeo sneaks into the Capulet party. The second he sees Juliet across the room, he ditches his menty B and does a complete reset:
“Rosaline who? THAT girl. THAT ONE. I’m in love.” Just like that.
Juliet sees him too and it’s instant chemistry. They flirt, kiss, and then freak out when they learn:
Romeo is a Montague
Juliet is a Capulet
Both are like: “……well, crap.”
Act 2: Go Touch Grass on the Balcony
Romeo sneaks into the Capulet backyard just to stare at Juliet’s window. Creepy. Juliet comes out to talk to herself about how much she digs his rizz. Romeo pops out like:
“Hey.”
She jumps, then they both confess they’re no cap obsessed with each other. They decide:
They’re getting married tomorrow
It will be a secret
They don’t care what their families think
Friar Lawrence agrees to marry them because he thinks it’ll stop the family feud. (Terrible plan but okay).
Act 3: It’s Serving Fights, Bad Timing, and Worse Decisions
The Fight
Tybalt (Juliet’s cousin) wants to beat Romeo’s ass for crashing the party.
Romeo refuses to fight because he’s technically Tybalt’s cousin-in-law now (but no one knows that).
Mercutio steps in like,
“Fine, I’ll fight him.”
He gets stabbed.
Mercutio, dying, says the Shakespearean equivalent of:
“Screw BOTH your families. This is all y’all’s fault.”
Romeo snaps and kills Tybalt. Cringe.
The Prince’s Verdict
Romeo isn’t executed, but he took the L and is banished. For Juliet and Romeo, being separated is basically the same as death, because again, they are teenagers.
Act 4: Deadass The Worst Communication in Human History
Juliet’s parents are trying to force her to marry Paris now. She’s like:
“I literally have a husband, but okay.”
Friar Lawrence gives her a plan:
Drink a potion that makes her seem dead
She’ll get buried
Romeo will sneak in when she wakes up
They’ll run away together
He promises to send Romeo a letter dishing the tea on everything.
This plan requires:
Perfect timing
Zero failures
No missed messages
So obviously, it gives total flop era.
Act 5: Tragedy by Out of Pocket Miscommunication
Romeo never gets the letter. Shocker. What he does get is the tea that Juliet is dead.
He buys poison, goes to her tomb, and finds Paris there crying. They’re all like “catch these hands!” Paris dies.
Romeo sees Juliet looking like a snack even though she’s “dead,” and is like “bet,” and drinks the poison.
Seconds later Juliet wakes up. The irony is ironing.
Friar arrives too late and tries to get her to leave, but Juliet sees Romeo dead and refuses. She crashes out, takes Romeo’s dagger and unalives herself.
Finale: It’s Giving Finished
Both families arrive, crash out, blame each other, then finally agree:
“Okay…..maybe this beef was actually super stupid.”
But it’s too late.
The end.
Tragic. Preventable. Peak Shakespeare.